Running over the brow of Primrose Hill and down into Regent’s Park this mild and wintry sunshine morning — London laid out before me like a special gift — was the unrivalled highlight of my extra-curricular week.

But visiting the new Westfield shopping mall — the largest of its kind in the world — at Shepherd’s Bush last night was a close second. For the wrong reasons. Capital FM’s Johnny Vaughan flicked the switch on the Christmas lights and a few dull white columns and fake trees were suddenly illumined with a myriad small cheap bulbs. Not the Rockefeller Centre, exactly.

I was on my way to the Bush, a venue where the lights have been out for some time, and not much sign of renaissance judging by the sad little import from Eastern Angles touring company, I Caught Crabs in Walberswick.

Mind you, I nearly caught cold in Westfield. As I rolled up, the sky suddenly filled with fake snow that fell to the ground like blobs of detergent.

Two blonde ice maidens held on to the reins of two sullen looking Alaskan huskies. One of the huskies had just dropped the biggest canine number twos I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen lots tripping daintily over Hampstead Heath.

Moving swiftly on, I noted that neither Louis Vuitton nor Versace had opened their outlets yet, so that was my shopping list out the window. I couldn’t surprise my better half, either: Emma Hope was a dark, unoccupied cavern.

The place itself is a monument to bad taste, bad architecture and very bad vibes. But I like the fact that so many people love going to malls — places like Blue Water, or Brent Cross — and I can see why an expedition might be many people’s idea of a really fun thing to do. So I like them, really. Put that another way. I loathe them, really.

I headed for the Foyle’s outlet. This was a good idea as everyone else was in Monsoon, H and M, or Accessorise. This was the emptiest bookshop I’ve ever been in and, more depressingly, it looked more like Borders than Foyle’s. 

The usual food chains are represented on the outer perimeter of the huge ship-like monstrosity, but the interior reveals some very promising fast food outlets. The outlets appear to have made inlets for Lebanese, Mexican and French cuisine, some appetising coffee and baguette counters and even Indian fast food.

I tried the latter and had a very decent chicken tikka marsala served with sticky vegetables and boring rice, but okay for £8.50. Most folk around me were tucking into wraps, baguettes, huge healthy looking salads and all manner of wines and beers.

After Johnny turned on the lights, cool pop star Lemar sang a set, backed by a full strength Young Guns orchestra who had earlier played a selection of film theme tune favourites and Holst’s The Planets.

To complete the shopping theme, Lemar spotted in the crowd a girl he had once stacked shelves with in Sainsbury’s. Johnny invited her up on the stage to see if she could sing, too, but she collapsed in giggles and stayed where she was.

The play at the Bush was a big come down after these follies in the mall. And I’ve already made my weekend shopping list for the cornershop and the vegetable market in Camden Town. And I’d rather buy clothes in the Oxfam shop than ever return to Westfield.
 

This entry was posted on Friday, November 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm and is filed under Michael Coveney. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.